No Regrets

I’m reeling over the diagnosis of a family member… something we suspected but hoped was not so. Dementia steals life away so quickly and completely.

Today was the second opinion and next week will be more tests to determine where we are in the process and how quickly we need to move on all of the many complex issues of safety, finances, legal, treatment, residental and other matters.

No one talks much about feelings through all of this, and in this instance, feelings are already beginning to be obscured by the disease and manifested as fear, insecurity, paranoia, anger… all of the things you might imagine if the world you knew suddenly seemed unreal and unfamiliar and everything was lost and out of place. Alice in Wonderland on LSD. Horrifying.

On the way home we had some tender conversations as she spontaneously reflected on her life, her regrets, wishing that she’d lived with more kindess, compassion, been less rigid and judgemental, more helpful and thoughtful. I was touched by her sudden insight and clarity, knowing that on some level she understood the diagnosis. And, I felt oh so grateful for our now rare, tender, human sisterly connection in the midst of the confusing conflagration in her brain.

As she named people she felt that she’d hurt, I listened and asked if she could forgive herself, and ask for forgiveness. ( I’m learning to wait in the quiet)

Silence.

I took the risk of being real, and named some times she’d deeply hurt me and my family, giving her the opportunity to own her choices, and to apologize if she chose.

After a time, she quietly acknowledged her actions, and said ‘I wish I’d done better. I’m sorry’. and she wept.

That was more than I needed and I hope and pray that was what she truely needed… to hear herself be real, acknowledge her actions, and accept not only my forgiveness, but her own forgiveness, and yes.. her God’s forgiveness. Grace. Karma changed.

I asked if she remembered the good things she’d done, the children she’d taught, saved, served, the audiences she’s entertained… but she was quiet. I’m hoping she’ll remember
those times as well, to balance the regrets.

On that hour long drive  over the Cape Fear River Bridge, through two traffic accidents with back to back vehicles in one lane only, I thought more about regrets, and realized that as much as I’ve wanted to travel, to learn, to dance the Gelede Spectacles in Western Africa, explore Egypt and the Nile, visit Paris, Greece, Chartre Cathedral, see the Great Wall of China, the ashrams of India and so many other places of wonder, adventure, enlightenment, I have no regrets.

I’ve lived a strange, busy, interesting, wonderful, painful, joyous life. At times I felt I might die of heartbreak. But I lived, and chose to love, learn, serve and  let myself feel again.

My life has been one of service which many haven’t understood, and has given me great joy, purpose and a sense of fulfillment. I’ve been derisively called a caretaker, when I supported my dying spouse, when I helped an elderly neighbor and others. But it was the right and loving thing for me to do.

For seventeen years, I travelled two hours each way to rehearse after work and on weekends, in order to travel and sing evensong and ancient acapella music in old one room wooden churchs in NC as well as ancient stone cathedrals in England, and  met wonderful, interesting and ordinary people.

.

Often, I’ve wished that I’d kept a journal of all those I’ve met, whether through singing, facilitating retreats, counselling, listening, providing case management, advocacy, a smile, transportation, serving their child, hosting dinners in my home, or simply believing in someone who didn’t feel valuable. The journal would have been about honoring and  remembering those in my life, and a way to stay in touch with and thank those who meant so much to me.

So many people have passed through my life that I’m humbled at the wealth I  feel from the memory of their presence, even when I don’t remember names. But I was busy and let those days wash by me.

Perhaps thats how it should be.
Perhaps not.

Many have helped and supported me during difficult times and dark nights of the soul when I was questioning my meaning and self worth. Our society often measures worth by money, appearance, and career, yet as I look back, more often than not I’ve felt valued and honored just for being my self. Whatever I am, I’m still learning, and hope I’ll always be learning…. but we don’t know. I’m grateful beyond anything else I can say, for each of you who have been there when I’ve been confused, arrogant, depressed, and disconnected. Thank you.

So, if I have regrets, it’s not that I’ve missed Paris- though I’m pretty nostalgic over that one and would love to honeymoon there, it’s that I’ve missed hugging someone one more time and I have a long, long list. It’s missing a laugh over dinner and a glass of wine with someone I don’t see often enough. It’s wanting to watch another fabulous movie and discuss with a friend. It’s longing to enjoy the sunset with my dear, dear partner and lover. It’s wishing I’d listened more closely to someone who needs my ears, heart and skills. It’s the conversation I wish I’d had when I’ve learned someone is gone.

Thankfully,  those regrets are fairly few…and getting fewer as I’m becoming more open and courageous about those important and sometimes difficult conversations.

If you have anything you’d like to say to me, I’m ready to hear it.

And, if you have anything you’d like to hear me say to you, please ask.

Life is short… we don’t have all of the time we think, want or might wish for.
This is it, Dear Hearts….

Love,

Susan